TERRY MADDOX

The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweillers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious beast. When the day of the big dog fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!! Everyone at the dog fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. The bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small piece of fur from the Arab killer-dog’s tail floating to the ground. The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweillers and Siberian wolves. They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog.”

The Israeli general replied. “Well, for 5 years we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, Calif., working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Terry Maddox is publisher of St. Tammany News.