LOU MAJOR SR.

It’s time for the annual legal separation of husbands and wives. It comes just as surely as the leaves start to fall in October. You can call it a ritual, a virus, a pandemic or even swine flu. And to tell the truth, the male of the species actually seems piggish this time of year.

The disease is called Football. The symptoms are easy to spot. The man of the house even begins reading the agate type (very tiny stuff) in the newspaper hoping to find a game on the telly. It matters not if it’s Southwestern Arizona Tech vs. Mountainside College-Flagstaff. If it’s Football, it is an early symptom that the really critical virus is on the way.

It also means that the lady of the house begins to show signs also. It begins with raised eyebrows and deaf ears. As it progresses, she becomes a bit more aggravated and suggests that the man of the house go to another room to watch “the game.” If there is no second telly in the house, she suggests he give up his beer and whisky to save enough money to buy a second telly so that she will not have to endure gridiron agony for another five months.

It is also the time of year when legal separation is not handled in court. It occurs, most of the time quietly, as He holes up on his couch and She maintains her ground in her end of the house. It can be quite civil – unless there is only one telly in the house. Thankfully, it has been a long time since Peg and I have had only one television to share. And it’s been so long ago that I truthfully don’t remember how we handled Saturday and Sunday afternoons in front of the television set.

One thing that probably made it bearable back then is that there was no such thing as “Animal Planet” on the tube. Had that been on the air, I can’t imagine what would have happened when LSU played Alabama on television and Whale Wars was also being shown at the same time on Animal Planet. I guess it might have tested our marital vows. Was there something about “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, or when the LSU Tigers and Whale Wars are on TV at the same time?”

Football season gets longer every year. The smaller colleges want their day on the tube, too, so they have even invaded Friday nights, which had always been TV taboo for football. Friday nights in football season were for high school games, period. Colleges dare not play on TV for fear the moms and dads across America would rebel because Men would stay home and watch the games on TV instead of going to the local high school stadium to watch the Boys.

But eventually, that old black magic (money) finally took care of that. The virus was so strong that even high school football was no longer immune.

The likes of San Jose State and Boise State made it to the TV scene, even on Thursdays. This makes the season of the virus even longer and brings legal separation within the home into telescopic focus.

The best part of this, however, is that there is a known cure. The duration of the illness is precise. She knows that by next February, He will have survived one more year of being away from Her hour after hour, weekend after weekend.

The marriage will endure. Their vows are safe. And the voice of the turtle will be heard throughout the land.

Lou Major Sr. is a former CEO and current board member of Wick Communications and a Slidell resident.